Sunday, 4 November 2012

A Fault In Our Stars

When I was younger I used to play this computer game (like most kids) called sims. It's a game in which you created towns and houses and the people that lived in them.

Sometimes I wonder whether someone is controlling my life, if my life is meant to be a tragedy. That person that has so much bad luck that is almost comedic if it was not so pathetic.

When I got off the plane at Gatwick I went straight to the hospital hoping to get the all clear. No such luck. I have fractured my patella.

I have to go and see the orthopedic surgeon on Tuesday to see whether I will need surgery to wire my knee back together, which is the worst case scenario as I would have to fly home and this journey would be over.

Another option would be that I would have to keep the cast on which has reduced me to being a child again as I cannot even get dressed without help and I would have to stay in London and miss my contiki.

As it is I am going to miss going to Amsterdam but hopefully they will give me a brace which has limited movement and crutches and I will be able to go to Berlin and continue my contiki from there.

This is not how I imagined my trip of a lifetime. Yet again I am in pain, yet again I cannot be a normal teenager, yet again I have to miss out on things I have dreamed about and worst of all I again i am a burden and a major worry for those who care about me.

I read this book recently called "A Fault In Our Stars" by John Green which is about this girl who had terminal cancer. Morbid reading I know but it is a really wonderfully written book and her love had osteosarcoma so i felt a little as if he was a kindred spirit. Also, in it she went to Amsterdam and she went to the Anne Frank house.

Hazel has to carry an oxygen tank around with her because the cancer spread to her lungs and when she is in the Anne Frank house she feels like she had to climb to the top because she is alive and Anne isn't.

And I totally understand where she was coming from because sometimes I feel the same. I am one of the lucky ones, one of the ones that get to live. I sometimes feel like I have to live for all those who didn't get to.

But sometimes its like life is against me living. I fractured my knee and I don't even have a cool story. Well I can say that this one time I'm Bosnia but all I was walking down Mostar bridge and it was slick and I slipped.

I did not jump off Mostar bridge and hit my knee on a rock, I was not even out partying. I was walking and I fell over and now I will not be able to go to the Anne Frank house. I will not be able to experience what I have read so many books about.

But that is life. I now just need to pray and hope like hell that I will be able to go to Berlin!

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